Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
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