You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
