Apparently you make a good broom.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
