Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
