im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
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There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
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I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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