i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
This house was built for laser tag.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
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