My hand turned me down
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
