my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
