So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
