I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
