so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize
