Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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