Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Randomize
