Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
We are two peas in an std pod
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
