By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
