I murdered the dance floor call the cops
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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