I am puke
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
