Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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