No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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