The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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