I can text with my tongue
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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