I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
