That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
