don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
