There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
