how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
We have started to decorate penises.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
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