Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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