i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
