It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Randomize
