we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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