whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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