so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
