It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
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By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
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I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
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