When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
