she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
