It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
