Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
