I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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