idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
