when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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