Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Randomize
