Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
