Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
