i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
