I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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