You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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