I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
