It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
