just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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