apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
