oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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