Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
