If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
