he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
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