do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
