so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
This baby is an asshole
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
